2012: Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

I want to write something personal about what's been going on with me and my family this year.  This is partly just to get it off my chest, partly for the record, and also for the benefit of those who have been supporting us in many ways, to let you know what sort of return you might be getting for your investment!

We are so grateful to those of you who have given up time and money and prayers and other offerings toward supporting our family and our adventures as we try to follow Jesus.

If you want to skip the first part of this and just hear about Bath, do a 'find next' for the word "gruntfuttock" and that will take you to the appropriate point in the post.  If you miss this sentence and just keep reading, you'll wonder why I suddenly write "gruntfuttock".

The changes of 2012 for us really started I guess toward the end of 2011 when I started sniffing around for a new job.  That sounds more pedestrian that it really was, but sometimes you have to make some practical steps -  knock on some doors and see what opens.  It was becoming clear to me that I needed to leave my current Youth Work position.  And something in me wondered about the possibility of worship ministry.

I remember my minister in Edinburgh once prayed over me with the words "passion for his name" (he was speaking prophetically: he was praying and prophesying that I would have passion for Jesus' name).  It took me a long time to step into that, but perhaps that was the start of it.  Or maybe the start of it goes back further, into childhood musical adventures, certain captivations - and cringes - in the Catholic church, through all the desires and ambitions of teenhood which seeped into the perpetual adolescence of my early twenties.  And with my new birth in Jesus Christ, the seeds of a Christ-worshipper were really sown.  In youth ministry a weakly beating servant heart was gradually chiselled out of stony beginnings.  In many ways we worked these things out together - me and some young people in Corstorphine.  For that opportunity I will be forever grateful.

So I applied for two jobs - the only two worship leader jobs in the UK that I could find.  I applied simply to see what would happen.  No intention of moving, no real expectation of even getting an interview.  These were ways of saying: "God, show me more."  Much to my surprise, but also my delight, I got both interviews.  One, for a job in London, came later - the first was a part-time position in Bath.  I called 'em up and said: "Do you still want to interview me?  I'm probably not going to move hundreds of miles away for a part-time job." They said 'yes, come down.'  So I did.

I have never been more relaxed in a job interview - probably because I had almost no intention at all of taking the job!  As such, from what I can remember I answered a lot of questions with humour - risky perhaps, but it did make the whole thing much more bearable to have smiles and laughter in the mix.  The weirdest thing was leading worship in a small group with people I'd only just met, and who were (I guess...?) evaluating the whole thing!  I sneaked a peek while we sang, and they seemed 'into it' - I breathed an internal sigh of relief and pressed on in.  Phew!

I remember it was later that day that they called and offered me the job and told me about the Curate's dream.  ('Curate's Dream' sounds like a prog rock band - yas!)  Weeks before, having never met or heard of me, he had dreamed my name.  HE DREAMED MY NAME.  Mind=blown.

There were a few other signs (agonizing later, Hannah and I wrote down a big old hit list).   One sign was that one of the church staff used to live about a hundred yards away from my parents' house in Limekilns.  Another was that the Vicar had a Yamaha guitar, a lot like mine.  That shouldn't really be a thing to base one's decision-making on, but - as a flourish of familiarity in the corner of an otherwise unknowable big picture -  it helped.  Sometimes I think I'm superstitious about these things - other times I think that I know a God who delights in clues, hints, games and coincidences.

Playful God.

Reactions were mixed - my Dad couldn't hide the disappointment when I told him about the offer; accepting it would mean his three-month old grandson would be swept away -  400 miles away.  I could see it in his face.  That was hard.

Hannah would have to give up friends, home and a job she loved.  The sweetener was that in moving to Bath, she would be only an hour away from close family in Somerset.  Still, I was asking her really to follow me, as I attempted to follow God.  It still feels that way a little - this is a season where I need to ask her to make sacrifices for me.  Hannah's Phd was her chance I guess; this is mine.

The church in Bath waited patiently for my answer.  We went down for another visit in February.  On our last night there, Hannah and I held a private conference in bed while Aidan slept next to us in a travel cot.  We read a chapter in Tozer's The Pursuit of God.  We prayed. Finally, we decided: it was to be 'yes'.  The church however, was gonna have to be patient - I was fully committed in Edinburgh til the end of July.

So the promise of EVERYTHING IN OUR LIVES COMPLETELY CHANGING had to remain just that - a promise - for the time being.

In November 2011, after Aidan's birth, I had taken 2 weeks of annual leave on top of my paternity leave - a month's sabbatical which did me the world of good after 5 years in full time ministry.  2012 was to be all about learning to be a Dad, and preparing to go to Uganda with my young people at church.

Aidan has brought such joy into our lives.  God's fathering took on new meanings - not all of them comfortable - as I grew into my new relationship with a little person who had not existed before, except in the delighted mind and swollen heart and craftsman hands of Creator God.

Preparations for Uganda consumed much of my time and energy, but (uncharacteristically) there was not much anxiety on my part - at least I don't remember it that way.  There was anxiety in other corners: there were very real fears that the partner in Uganda wouldn't be able to take us.  Then were some painful moments realizing that some young people were not only dropping out of the trip, but also dropping out of the church too.  There were anxieties in the church about money (big ones!).  But  somehow I knew that if it was God's will for us to go, then we would go.

The build up to Uganda was a year and a half of hard work, solidarity, prayerfulness, intergenerational mixing, encouragement for God's church and outpouring upon outpouring of generosity and provision.  We smashed our fundraising target, and I recently heard that the young people are still raising money for the partner whose ministry we visited.

Our experience in Uganda was so monumental that it looms large in my memories of this year.  For me, it was always equally about pastoring these young people as much as visiting the developing world - and who said mission and discipleship could be separated anyway?  I won't tell the whole story here; you can read the previous posts in this blog.

So, 2012 has been a huge year for me.  Not only did the whole experience of Uganda represent the culmination of everything I'd wanted to see come into being with my young people; not only was it a wonderful, terrifying, God-shaped period of time in the present; but it also seemed, in a way, to be preparing me personally for what was to come.

Coming to the end of my youth work position, and preparing to move on from a bittersweet church experience, I think I felt I had 'paid some dues' in the trenches of ministry. I experienced a tiny window into the global church and into the issues of poverty, sickness and injustice into which that church must speak or die.   I had done it in the midst and buzz of new parenthood.

What I felt I lacked was a theological education.  Youth ministry was so all-consuming that formal study at the same time as working seemed impossible.

And so God, in his wisdom, called me to a part-time job.  Finally, I would have the space to study (if not the obvious source of money to live on!).  After visiting and deciding against an Anglican college in Bristol, and researching a number of other options, I decided to go for Westminster Theological Centre. Theirs is a forward-thinking approach to delivering open-learning theology courses.  It is academically rigorous with a crucial charismatic emphasis, but also, within that, a breadth which appealed to me.

So I signed up, ordered my books and waited eagerly!

After Uganda, there was a terrible, tingling period of letting go of things in Edinburgh and Linlithgow.  My last few weeks were spent trying to leave things in a good state at my church (despite best efforts I still left a mad drawer in the youth office groaning with unsorted worship music).  I wanted to 'leave well' - a pill-sugaring phrase I'd heard bandied about rather a lot in ministry circles over the years.  Hopefully I did.

In the event, my last service was (pangs!) a really touching moment -  a celebration of testimonies and generosity and yes, sadness.  I preached a call-to-arms of sorts.  A lovely and cathartic last meal with my young people was held at Nando's (spicy chicken makes at aaaaaaallll better).

Leaving friends was hard.  Leaving church was too.  St Thomas' Corstorphine: you have a lot to answer for!  But I will never be able to repay what you have invested in me over the years; chief among these gifts being the transforming faith in Jesus which you awakened in me by your faithful upholding of the gospel, and by your acts of love, kindness, courage and patience. There is a crown in heaven with St Thomas' name.

Anyway - and so to Bath! Gruntfuttock!

We moved down in August 2012, excited, apprehensive, doubtful, determined, tired.  Props to Forth Movers for doing all the donkey work.

Me and my Dad drove our old Mark 3 Fiesta down the motorway - no tunes meant that I entertained us by picking out tunes on the glorious little ukelele which my dear young people gave me as a leaving present.  The car never complained once - either at the long distance or the questionable playing.

Our first hours in Bath were spent with a pencil behind the year, and a screwdriver in the back pooch, as we unpacked, fixed rebuilt, and generally got things ready for my mum's arrival with Hannah and Aidan who flew down a few days later.

All of this was punctuated by a wonderful kindness offensive by members of our new church - wonderful meals appeared out of nowhere, cards and gifts arrived on the doorstep, and God's blessings were poured out in small but eternal ways.

To add to the madness - Hannah had a job interview the week we arrived!  She thought she'd done terribly badly in the interview (forgetting one of the 5 pillars of Archivism is apparently tantamount to treason) but in the end: she got the job!  It's a 6-month contract with English Heritage cataloguing and archiving the photographic archive of the Laing building firm, who built much of modern Britain.

Hannah loves her job, even with its downsides: the short-term contract, and the commute to Swindon (which in any case takes about the same time as her Linlithgow- Glasgow commute back home.)
The hardest thing for her has been leaving Aidan and working full-time.  This has meant a crazy juggling act with childcare and finance, but nevertheless, again God provided.  We found a brilliant, happy, council-run nursery only five minutes' walk from our house.  And it turned out that they could take Aidan *just* enough hours for me to do my church work and still get a few hours study in.  Hannah's mum has been brilliant - looking after Aidan on Mondays while I'm at college.  An unexpected upshot of all this has been that I've spent way more time with Aidan than if Hannah had been working part-time.  This is both exhausting (not gonna lie) and brilliant!

Financially, our whole world has been turned upside down.  It's been like learning another language - the language of dependence.  We moved not really knowing where the money was going to come from.  The sums didn't add up.  But I'd seen God provide for Uganda, and I believed (weakly, but strongly enough to follow it through) that he would be true to his word in calling us to Bath.  We were gonna have to let go of control though.

Somewhat stressfully, when we moved we still hadn't rented our house in Linlithgow.  We were paying rent in Bath and a mortgage in Linlithgow: not a sustainable situation!  But again, God provided.  We now have tenants which cover our mortgage, and the money we received as a gift from church supplied our needs for the transition period, almost to the pound.

Dear people back home have been so generous - supporting us to the tune of... well, hundreds and hundreds of pounds.  With my part-time salary and Hannah's full-time salary, means we can live in one of the most expensive places in the UK on a very modest income.  God provides.  And though my prayer is that we never be complacent, I am not anxious.  This is amazing coming from an anxious person from a long line of anxious people!

God is good.

College started in September with a wonderful and dazzling residential study week in Telford.   WTC is a unique learning environment, where each day begins with worship, where the classes are like worship, and the academic and administrative staff worship alongside the students.  At the end of the evening, the academics, rather than swanning off to their ivory tower-shaped hotel rooms - actually take the time to minister to the students in prayer, with the laying on of hands.  This is special.  This is the life of Christ in theological education.

I will never forget the Old Testament classes taught to us that week (and every week thereafter in our hub in Cheltenham) by Stephen Dempster - a tender, humble and learned OT scholar from Canada.  A passionate love for God and for the life of the Scriptures flowed in the classroom.  It is what I have been dreaming about for years now, and it is SO GOOD to be studying at a deeper level, the faith which has formed and transformed my life in the last 9 years.

I have found new Biblical legs these past few months.  I've had some uneasy questions answered, and had a whole lot more new ones raised, but the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, revealed in Jesus Christ - He remains my prize for which I will press on to win.  The chase is on.

Worship ministry here has been many things - almost all of them wonderful, but still, as I write this collapsing at the end of the Christmas season, the overarching impression which remains with me is that of intense busy-ness and overactivity.   Co-ordinating worship across three semi-independent congregations on 20 hours a week is a tall order in anyone's book.  Training others and effective delegation are the only way to do it, and I think I am doing ok there.  Accordingly, the most rewarding part of the job is a regular weekly worship leaders' training group - a great opportunity to build relationship and take time out to both hear the Lord, and to learn practically.  I love these evenings, and they are the closest thing to a youth group that I have (I do miss my youth group!).  Even better though, are the opportunities for multi- and inter-generational ministry here.  In many ways this large church is quite segregated, but strides are being made to reconnect the generations, and the worship ministry in many ways leads the way, with those of all ages joining together to play in the worship bands.  There is much more to be done here, but I have inherited a fantastic and diverse group of musicians to work with.

As far as my own worship leading goes, have been many many wonderful times of worship.  I have often found myself saying that this church LOVES to worship God, and this makes my job easy!  Learning new and old material, constructing song-sets, arranging music and experimenting with styles have all been hugely rewarding, and great fun.  The harmony of excellence and humility is a tough call in worship ministry, but I view it not so much as an 'end-point' at which one arrives, but rather like a zone through which one frequently passes in a constant process of readjustment.

Soon after arriving I realised that my voice was taking a beating (sometimes I have to sing three services a day, plus rehearsals - starting at 8am and finishing at 10pm).  So I went in search of a singing teacher to help develop some degree of vocal stamina.   I did this with not a little trepidation - singing in bands for 15 years totally untutored meant I was probably full of bad habits that I would (urgh!) have to change (urgh!).  But AGAIN - God has provided!  Just by searching online I found a lovely, Christian singing teacher who, astonishingly, lives half way between my house and the church where I work.   She has been amazing with my singing, and crucially, she also understands the spiritual dynamics and politics of church life.  An amazing blessing!

It is taking time to settle in here.  Hannah and I feel the pull of Scotland quite a bit, and we were quite taken aback by quite how much we loved living in beautiful Linlithgow.  Bath is cool, and of course, very beautiful in a different way, but we are adjusting to living in a suburb of a bigger touristy, studenty city, rather than living in the centre of a small, manageable, touristy town.  Plus, the chippy closes for the holidays!!  What's that all about?  Would never happen in Scotland :)

As if we hadn't crammed enough into this year, I also managed to fail my driving test right before the 'crunch' time of moving to Bath.  I was bitterly disappointed, but also clearly unfit for the roads!  But in order to fulfil some perpatetic worship leading work I was committed to, I needed to drive.    In yet ANOTHER act of God's provision, an anonymous donor heard about my situation and paid for 5 driving lessons for me!  Humbled and blessed yet again.  Not only that, but the lessons would be with a great instructor who instantly sorted out some key things in my driving that turned it around for the better.  I needed rather more than 5 lessons in the end, but thankfully, the money was there through blessings from St T's friends and family, and on 14th November 2012 I sat and passed my driving test in the Brislington suburb of Bristol with 9 minor faults and the biggest sigh of relief I have ever exhaled.

God is good!

As hinted, the Christmas season has been one of extreme busyness - thankfully college finished just in time to free up some space, but I have been 'pure carolled oot ma nut' for many weeks now.  Christmas day itself was spend chez Hannah's family and a lovely time it was too.  It has not really been holiday though - in the worship calendar things only get more intense at this time of year, so I am learning!  Next year more peace, less joy!  Our break really comes now as we head up to Scotland for new year - overjoyed at the prospect of being reunited with family and friends and to rest before the next chapter in our adventures unfolds.

If you have read thus far, you clearly are a very dear loved one.  Thank you for all your support.  Thank you Jesus.

I'll raise a glass to you all on Hogmanay!

Worship as Encounter with the Holy

Some friends down here in Bath asked me to write an article for their website Bible Reflections.

Read what I came up with here